Chappell Roan and comparing parenting to hell
Is happiness a good reason to have children? Well, yes and no. There’s plenty of evidence that married parents are happy. But “happiness” isn’t something most people find by seeking it. It’s a byproduct of living a meaningful — and therefore often a difficult — life.
Recently, Grammy-nominated singer-songwriter Chappell Roan, whose real name is Kayleigh Rose Amstutz, remarked on a comedy podcast that in her view, parenthood is pure misery:
“All of my friends who have kids are in hell,” she told the host. “I actually don’t know anyone who’s happy and has children at this age.”
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Speaking of those who have 3-year-olds and under, the singer said: “I literally have not met anyone [like that] who’s happy, anyone who has like light in their eyes, anyone who has slept.”
Considering Google describes Roan as “a leader of the ‘lesbian pop renaissance,’” it’s not surprising she’s unenthusiastic about the idea of forming a family and having children. But her anti-baby attitude is widespread in today’s culture and is therefore worth closer examination.
To start, Roan is wrong about parental happiness, and if she’s never met moms or dads with “light in their eyes,” she probably needs to expand her social circles. As Brad Wilcox of the Institute for Family Studies pointed out in response, married women with children are, in fact, significantly more likely to say they’re happy than those with no children, especially unmarried women.
In the University of Chicago’s General Social Survey for 2022, almost 40% of married women with children described themselves as “very happy,” which was significantly higher than any other group of women. Less than 22% of unmarried women without children felt the same, and unmarried women with children were the least likely to say they were “very happy,” at just over 16%.
This suggests that marriage and children are a package deal when it comes to a personal sense of well-being. Empirically, marriage is the ideal setting in which to parent, and when it comes to self-reported happiness, no one comes close to matching married parents. The cultural impression that diapers and the demands of little ones rob people of joy is simply wrong.
But there’s a deeper point to be made about this attitude that kids are a bad idea simply because they’re hard work. Because yes, they are hard work. As any parent can attest, little ones do cost sleep, as well as money, time, and vast amounts of spiritual and emotional investment. So, why do it? And why do parents still say they’re happy? Because parenting is one of those hard things in life that is intrinsically meaningful, the kind of thing people don’t always enjoy in the moment but look back on with immense satisfaction.
Most instinctively know that life is about these kinds of difficult-but-worthwhile tasks, and that real happiness can never come from always choosing the easy road. If a character in a book or movie believes only in relaxing and seeking pleasure, it’s a sure bet that character isn’t going to be the hero, at least not until he or she has an attitude adjustment. Nobody admires Simba in the second act of The Lion King, lounging in the jungle, eating bugs and singing “hakuna matata.”
Celebrities like Roan understand this on some level. She may not think having children is worth the effort or a source of happiness, but I doubt she’d be flattered if someone called her music career “a walk in the park,” or said, “Hey, your lack of hard work really comes through in your songs!” People who have achieved anything they consider worthwhile look back with more satisfaction if it cost them blood, sweat, tears, and sleepless nights, precisely because it shows how much the task mattered to them.
This is why Malcolm Muggeridge once wrote that everything in his life that seemed hardest at the time ended up giving him the most long-term satisfaction. It was this cross-shaped law of human nature — that glory is usually on the other side of suffering — that he credited with bringing him to faith in Christ. And it is this law we need to keep in mind when evaluating a task like parenthood, or any other calling that God gave His image-bearers and considers intrinsically worthwhile.
We were not made for the easy road, and there is no surer proof of that than how few people find fulfillment at that road’s end. We were made to live for things that matter, and nothing on this earth matters more than other human beings.
Parenthood, though it can be far from easy, is the oldest and most basic way of investing in and loving other human beings. No, it’s not Hell. It’s often a lot of fun! But it’s also, by God’s grace, a way to lay up treasures in Heaven. Through the fun and sleepless nights alike, many of us, believe it or not, find that’s something to be very happy about.
Originally published at BreakPoint.
Shane Morris is a senior writer at the Colson Center and host of the Upstream podcast. He has been a voice of the Colson Center since 2010 as coauthor of hundreds of Breakpoint commentaries and columns. He has also written for WORLD, The Gospel Coalition, The Federalist, the Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, and Summit Ministries. He is most at home outdoors and underwater, loves parrots, sharks, and C.S. Lewis, and enjoys teaching his kids about all three. He and his wife, Gabriela, live with their four children in Lakeland, Florida, where they attend Christ Community Presbyterian Church.
